As for the reasons why I am writing this - they are very simple. I wish I had found something on him when he suddenly vanished. But there was nothing. Now there is. And my story is not the only one.
It all began at the end of October 2009. I came to Tokyo for a conference with my colleagues. In the evening, as always, I logged on the WhosHere chat, designed for iPhone and iPod Touch. I met a lot of amazing people there, and with some of them we made good friends and talk all the time, though we live in different parts of the world. This chat is not a dating site, and it is a quite safe place to meet people and make friends. I also had met people from this chat in person before, and it always turned out fine. So I wasn't bothered about meeting this guy too. He wrote to me and asked if I would like to go see some design festival together. He seemed really nice and intelligent, and we had common interests - cross-cultural communication, nonverbal aspects of it, and cognitive science. I was impressed by how much he knew about it. We met in Tokyo right the next day, he nearly made me do it. We had lunch together, during which he told me a lot about himself. It was a little bit odd though that he was so open about his life and his work with a complete stranger (he said he worked for the US government). But he was funny and interesting, and everything he said sounded like "take it if you like it". I liked it. In the evening of the same day he came to the town near Tokyo where I was staying with my colleagues. We went for a long walk and again talked a lot. It was amazing how easy it was to talk to him, and how brilliantly he attuned to my level of English, because it's not something you meet in a native speaker of English every day. I appreciated this. I also loved his straightforward manner of asking questions and saying what was on his mind. I was happy that I finally met a person who doesn't answer "Nothing" when asked what he is thinking about. That night he stayed over in my hotel room. He was excited about how I managed to switch on all the three types of connection at once - emotional, intellectual and physical. Especially because he doesn't get attracted to women easily. And also because it's very rare to get connected to someone so quickly. As for me, I felt so comfortable with him. He was so confident, and I liked it. In the morning he dazed me by saying that he would immediately marry me if I got pregnant. It freaked me out, and I thought that oh, finally I have met a maniac on the web. But again I didn't worry because I thought that if I got pregnant, I could handle it on my own. I understand how it sounds, but I liked him so much after the first lunch we had together, and he also kept saying that he is not worried with me. Strangely, along with his confidence, he seemed insecure, and I relaxed on this matter. Also, of course, he told me his sad story about his wife cheating on him while he was in Iraq. And about his daughter, and how much he loved her and missed her. We spent that day together, it was a marvellous day. We walked around the city, and everything was so good and so natural, that I felt as if I had known him for ages. In the evening I left for Sapporo where I live. I thought I would never see this guy again. It was too good to be true. But no. As soon as I landed and switched on my phone, I received a bunch of messages from him. Next day he said he loved me. I freaked out again and asked if it could wait until we at least see each other again. But I liked how fast he was. A couple of times things happened fast in my life, and each time it ended in long-term serious relationships. So with Jeff I though it was a perfect match. We couldn't wait to see each other again, and I was planning to come back to Tokyo in a week (sadly, I couldn't make it). But in two days he already started talking about marriage and babies. He wanted babies right away. He said that he had been thinking about starting a family for quite a while by that time, but couldn't find a woman he would want to start it with. He also said that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant, because his spermatosoa were very slow. The problem was that I didn't want babies. And it took him quite a while to convince me to try to get pregnant. Later we did try, but each time I was happy I didn't get pregnant. Of course, I didn't tell him about it. But, apart from my personal problems with this, I am a visiting professor at a university here, and my Japanese employers wouldn't be happy if I all of a sudden started to come to class pregnant. The Japanese are quite conservative on this matter, and I was concerned about it too. But Jeff insisted that I give up my job in Sapporo and come to live and work in Tokyo. He said that I can teach Russian anywhere, and it will never be a problem. He wanted to move in together right away, too.
So, everything was going perfectly well. In three weeks I went to Tokyo to see him. It was an awful trip for me, because he couldn't make it to the airport to meet me, and I had to travel all alone in overcrowded Friday night trains, after the whole day of teaching and flying, to the place where he was waiting for me. But it was so good to see him again! I was happy. I was so tired, and yet I was absolutely fine listening to him telling me until 4 am about how George Bush junior ruined the American economy. I admired his ability to make things which I never was interested in - like economy or politics - suddenly sound fascinating. As you can guess, to a philologist a good speaker is wonderful gift. When he brought me to his house, I was impressed by the books he had there. There were some of my favourite books, and we talked about them too. That was a brilliant weekend. He took me to the mountains, and everything was beautiful. That weekend he asked me a straight question what I though about being married to him. Again, I was shocked, but said that it would be fun. So I came back to Sapporo happy and in love.
Although there were things which made me wonder all the time. For example, he almost never used my first name. He always called me "baby". It was strange, because using names is very important in building rapport, and people do it with their loved ones without thinking about it, it comes naturally. But, again, I thought that all people are different, and this guy was quite quirky and had odd communicative habits. And also there were things which told me that he is really attached to me. Things that I thought people can't fake. Like how a person holds you in his sleep, for instance. These things were exactly how I like them (no, I didn't tell him anything about it before, and I'm still wondering how he knew that). Everything seemed so natural with him, absolutely everything. And exactly "how it should be".
Though he sometimes vanished for a day or two, I didn't worry too much. I trusted him. I didn't trust my trust though. I couldn't understand where my trust came from. Because, regardless all the things that scared me in him, I started to trust him the very first day we met. It was also funny that I turned completely silly around him. Like my mind suddenly stopped working. I had been to Tokyo before and it never was a problem for me to move around it using all the complicated systems of trains. But that time I literally lost my way and couldn't tell where I should go! Strangely enough, I enjoyed this effect he had on me. I don't know what it was that he was doing, but it worked perfectly well. Later, when I told my friend about it (she is a doctor of psychology), she said that he must have been trained in this (knowing his job). Later, when he started to disappear and I started to panic every time he did, he could easily calm me down and shatter all my suspicions by his intonation alone. I felt like he was putting things into my head. And I liked it, because I trusted him and I thought that having someone to control me like this is a good thing for me. Here is as to why. 4 years ago a had a very bad break-up with a person I loved more than anyone in my life. Then in two months after that my father died. This person who left me, was back with me for three days after his death and left me right after the funeral. I got a severe fear of loss and abandonment after these two events. It took two years of therapy to recover, and still I haven't fully recovered from it. Then there were two years when I couldn't start any kind of relationship at all, even a minor one, let alone anything serious. But with Jeff I decided that if I let my fears blow the relationship with this amazing person, it will mean the end of everything for me. So I started working on myself. And I was happy that he understood all I had been through and was always calm and never lost his patience with me. Now I know that he didn't really care, but then it was important. And I am kind of thankful to him for the motivation he gave me to work things through with myself.
But again, I have to admit that there were things which told me that something was wrong here. For example, first he wanted to come to Sapporo for his birthday, November 29th. He couldn't make it. When I called him that day, he wouldn't pick up his phone. Later he said that he was at a club with his friends and couldn't hear it ring. I was so mad at him, that didn't even say happy birthday. Then there was my birthday, and he also wanted to come, but he couldn't, claiming he had some unexpected work. Ok. He promised to come next weekend. And I really wanted and even needed him to come, because of some problems with my colleagues I was having at that time. He didn't come. I understood that he is not going to be supportive and reliable in my troubles. But, again, knowing about his job, I always forgave him, because, really, there is not much a person in the military can do when he gets an order to do this or that. Besides, my father was in the airforce and I grew up in a military garrison in Russia, so I was ok putting up with this: he does what he is told to. All this time we talked on the phone a lot and exchanged emails, and chatted online. Although sometimes he promised to call me and didn't. But I got used to it quickly. And also I was so much afraid to lose him that I didn't tell him about some of my worries. I thought they were my problems and that I have to deal with them myself.
Meanwhile we were already discussing what language is going to be native for our children and were planning our future together.
Next time I came to see him for the New Year's. He said he was busy working on Christmas eve, so I came the next day. First he wanted me to stay at a hotel because, as he said, his house was a mess and he had neither electricity nor hot water there. But I said that I don't care for that and insisted on going to his place. While I was on my way, electricity and hot water magically got restored. While I was staying there, there were some strange things happening: phone calls from his sister at 2 am, late work in the city, etc. As for his sister, he was constantly talking about his family, showed me pictures of all of them. He was talking about his daughter (I was also amused by the fact that he had a picture of her on the desktop of his computer, such a sweet guy and a good father, I thought). He seemed really close with his family, and since I never had close connection with mine, I was happy to be with such a family-oriented man. Still it was weird that he was always working. But there were much worse things than working and obsessing about babies. For instance, I woke up one morning when he had already left for work, and found a long black hair right under the pillow I was sleeping on. Definitely not mine - I have short brown hair. Of course, the first thought was that he was cheating on me. I had an awfully painful spasm in all my body. My mind had already learned to trust him, but my body hadn't. I asked him about it later that evening, and he said that he had a lot of female friends, and this is where this hair came from. And what do you think? I believed him! The next day I ran into a note on his cabinet, which literally said: "I was waiting for you at such and such sta., but you didn't show up. Call me asap. I love you. So and so". And a phone number. I called it, but reached only an answering machine. I emailed him about it. But he assured me that this was a very old note, from a Japanese girl whom he dated last summer. Ok, I believed him again. He was always so believable and looked so sincere, that it was impossible to mistrust him, regardless of all the proof of the opposite that I saw with my own eyes. I still can't believe that my instincts were so suppressed all this time.
Except for this, everything was awesome. We had a lot of fun. We went out every night, he took me to a Russian restaurant in Roppongi (it is a night life area in Tokyo). It was the most amazing and crazy New Years's in my life. Though he had to go to work right after the countdown. (Now I'm almost sure that he went to some party.) Nevertheless I had a wonderful night, it was my first New Year's in Japan, and I enjoyed visiting shrines and temples and participating in traditional Japanese celebrations. I left Tokyo on January 5th absolutely happy. He managed to convince me to have a family with him and later to move to the US with him.
Then there was January when he disappeared for a week a couple of times. The last time I already said good bye to him in my mind and was ready to break up with him as soon as he shows up. But ended up saying yes when he asked me to marry him. Twice. It was at the beginning of February. I stopped in Tokyo on my way to Moscow for a couple of days. Again, we spent an amazing time together. We drank quite a lot one night, and he proposed. I thought that he couldn't be serious. But the next day he made sure I remembered about it and proposed again. Then I left for Moscow and he was going to leave for Boston and Connecticut (to see his friends, his daughter and his family). Of course he promised to write and call me, but we only chatted twice during the whole month I was there. The most shocking thing was that he didn't even email me on the St. Valentine's day. But knowing his emailing habits, I thought I would wait. Then there was two weeks' silence. He showed up the day I was was leaving. I was about to leave for the airport in an hour when he wrote. He asked me if I still was his fiancée, and I said that at that moment I still was but I wanted a serious talk about it. Of course he said that he loved me and that he absolutely was my fiancé. Ok, at least he was alive, thought I. And I came back to Tokyo, where I stayed for almost a week. At a hotel, which was unpleasant. But he didn't live out of his base in his house in Akiruno any more, so I had to. He moved to the base (Yokota airbase, located in Fussa town close to Tokyo) in January. And to stay at his place on the base I had to provide a lot of documents, so that he could apply for my pass. First he said it would take three days. Then three days turned into one or two months. Well, I know that he wasn't lying about that. There are certain regulations concerning Russian citizens, we are thoroughly checked. So when I came back in March, my papers were not ready yet. I think he never applied for my pass, and I have no way to check it. But either way it is unpleasant. In the first case, some fraud has all my documents: copies of both my passports (the Russian one and the international one), my Japanese foreign citizen's ID, everything. In the second case, if he did apply for the papers, which I doubt, I was checked and filed by the security department of some American military base which I have no intention to access. I have nothing to hide, I am an honest person, but I don't like being checked for no reason and strongly dislike having my documents in the hands of a, frankly speaking, dangerous person.
But anyway, when we met, he told me an absolutely unbelievable story about how his credit card suddenly stopped working when he came to the US, and how he had to stay at a shabby hotel somewhere in Boston suburbs, and how he had to earn money working as a stand-up comedian. Ah, and that he lost the first week of his vacation because he was sent to Cambodia. I was listening to all this with clear understanding that he was lying, but at that moment I didn't care anymore. For the simple reason that he was in the intelligence and he couldn't tell me where he was. So let him lie, at least his stories are hilarious. I never laughed so much in my life as I did with him. This was the thing that I loved about him. He was so quirky and so funny, that I felt that I was the luckiest person in the world to be with him. He wanted to know if I had told my mother that I was engaged. Yes, I did tell my mother, but never told any other members of my family. On one hand, Jeff was constantly talking about visiting Moscow and that he would have to learn some Russian in order to communicate with my family. On the other hand, he never kept his promises and was so unreliable, that I didn't want to get to get embarrassed if the whole thing doesn't work out. I told my friends though. Some of them were happy that I had finally met a guy as crazy as myself, others, on the opposite, didn't trust him at all. They were right, saying that one can cover anything with a job in the intelligence. One girl even told me to be careful as he could stab me one day. Well, I knew how crazy he was, but still was ready to go for it.
That time in March was the last time I saw him. Later I learnt that he told another girl that those days he was in Indonesia tracking down terrorists. He might have been. Only if those guys were hiding in our hotel room. He was very busy working that time, so I can guess that he was already seeing someone else. But at that moment I didn't know anything, and I loved him and trusted him. We decided to go to Kyoto for a weekend in three weeks. And after some time he disappeared again. When he finally showed up, I was just happy that he is alive and all right. I was so tired of worrying, and by that time I had already accepted the fact that if anything happens to him, I will never know. He will just vanish. So I packed my bag and went to Tokyo to see him. I was there, but he didn't show up. Before my trip, I decided that if it happened, I would go straight to Yokota, play a fool and ask questions. So when he didn't show up, I went there. I was in 2 minutes walk form there, when I received an email from him. He wrote that he was gone, not in Tokyo and couldn't tell me either where he was or when he would return. I didn't even ask him about it because I knew that he wouldn't answer. His email sounded fine, he wrote that he loved me and missed me so much. And of course he asked whether I was pregnant. It pissed me off. Because I told him many times that I, working abroad, didn't want to get pregnant before we get married. He replied that he had to ask this question because I never said one way or the other. He also asked if I would have tried again if he were there. Well, by that time I was already familiar with the thought that he doesn't really care about me. A child was the only thing he wanted from me. He was literally obsessed with getting me pregnant. But, again, I wanted to be with him so much, that I considered it as a kind of a deal: I want a person with whom I will never get bored and who will always stimulate me intellectually, and he wants a family - ok, I can give it to him. He also wrote that he was hoping to spend the Golden Week with me (that is the week of holidays here in Japan at the beginning of May). Unfortunately, that was the last email I received from him. That was on the 10th of April. But still I returned for the Golden Week. No need to say that he stood me up. He never answered my calls or emails. So I went to Kyoto alone. I tried to enjoy the trip, but my thoughts were far away from sightseeing. I had a horrible time. I blamed myself for ruining this relationship (I always do, it's my old problem), I was suicidal and all I wanted was to have someone with me to help me survive through this horror and pain. I am happy to have friends who were with me all the time, on the phone and over the Internet. They literally saved my life.
Next time I went to Tokyo at the beginning of June. I never heard from him since that last email, I didn't know whether he was even alive or not. So I dropped on a house where we once stayed. He said his friend lived there. I never met her, and I didn't even remember her name. But he described her to me, so I knew at least how she looked like. When I came there alone and met her, I had quite an odd experience. It was a really weird conversation. The girl never told me her name (though I made it clear that I was looking for her and that I came to Tokyo particularly to see her). She also didn't let me in, and we spoke in the doorway. She was elusive about everything and reluctant to give out a slightest piece of information. She even denied that it was her that I was looking for. But somehow she knew Jeff and he even contacted her "recently", as she put it. And the conversation was more like an interrogation than a talk. I mean she interrogated me. She asked me tons of personal questions. As to when and how we met, were we just dating or was there something else, did he give me a ring etc etc. All this looked like she knew what I was talking about, or she knew what he was doing. She ended the conversation with the words "well, you never know who you meet on the Internet". I was in such a shock that I didn't even know what to say. She could have told me the truth, but she wouldn't. I'm still wondering why. Later I thought that she might have been his new girlfriend. And I thought that if she were, then he had done a bad thing and should be punished, at least she would definitely break up with him. But then I changed my mind. That woman was not too much concerned about Jeff's relationship with me, she was just extremely curious. She was much more worried about whether I had ever been inside her house. She asked me about it several times. I lied, I said I didn't remember. I had a strange feeling that something was wrong with this place. And with this woman. I even though that it might be some sort of a secret address (it was a natural thought because he is in the Intel). More than that, this place is located right in front of the Russian embassy in Tokyo. And I was horrified with the thought that he could have just used me for some of his work purposes. And again I found how to calm myself down. I thought that he is not an idiot to do something like that. So I settled to the idea that it was simply a weird group of friends. Just some nasty people.
If in May I was still hoping that he would contact me when he had time, in June I was sure that he would never do it.
I was rehashing everything I knew and trying to find answers to a lot of questions. What if I got pregnant? What if I gave up my job at the university as he wanted me to? (I must say, in march I told my faculty that I am leaving them in a year. I stayed in my position only because they really need me here and they gave me a lot of extra time to think about everything properly.) What if everything he told me about his work was true? What if I had good memory and remembered everything he had told me?
Then I got paranoid. I grew up in the Soviet Union, and we all, except for the new young generation, are a bit paranoid about all this KGB, FSB, CIA etc. stuff. Now imagine me dating Jeff. I'm not talking about what I felt when he told me that he was in Kosovo and Iraq. These are the points on which most of Russian people disapprove of American policy. It took me quite a while to separate him and his personality from stereotypes I had about the US. The cold war ancestry, you know. I know that Americans have quite similar stereotypes about Russians too. So I had to work on these. I had to stop freaking out every time he said something about his job. For instance, I got really scared when he said that he had me checked and I was clear. And that email I got from him when I was walking to Yokota - I felt that I was being watched. Maybe he saw me walking and briskly wrote something to stop me from going there. Later I had problems with my Gmail, Facebook and Skype accounts. I was constantly receiving messages that my accounts had been hacked. That was harsh.
Then my colleague added to my paranoia. When I told him that my fiance had suddenly disappeared, he said that I must have run into an American spy. He had that experience before. And he kept telling me about it every time we had a drink together, so in fact it's his fault. But it was easy for me to get into his trap because Jeff told me a lot about technology they use, and I was even afraid to talk to my mother and friends on the phone and Internet. I was afraid of emailing and chatting. I was even afraid to google Jeff, because we all know that you can't just google whatever you want. When I was about to leave Moscow in March, I googled Yokota AB to see where to go for answers if he doesn't show up. I read the security policy on their site, it warned that they monitor who looks at their site, and that cookie-files would be deleted from my pc automatically as soon as I close the browser. Well, I found what I wanted and closed the browser window. And never opened it again - my Internet connection crashed and wasn't restored untill next day. My friends laughed so hard at me after that - one shouldn'd google American airbases from an IP located in a Russian airforce garrison.
But I did google him before, during the course of our "relationship". And there was nothing. The only link was to the Militarytimes site, where his name was simply listed along with names of other people getting a promotion. That was all. Once, using a FaceBook friend finder, I found his profile. I added him as a friend - and in a couple of days the profile disappeared. It was sometime in winter. I didn't pay too much attention to it because he had told me before that he had deleted his FBook account. And, coincidentally, that very day my friend complained to me that now and then she can still see her friend's profile which she knew for sure had been deleted. When I did the same with MySpace, I ran into Jeff's picture with a different name. And again - life is a funny thing - I remembered my other friend freaking out because he suddenly found a profile with his own picture, which he never created. And it even happened to me - if you google my ID, you'll see a bunch of cites which I never registered to. I found his profile on Yahoo, and on DateHookUp, and on FlirtboxUK - still they all didn't convince me. I saw that he registered on the DateHookUp site the very night I was crying my eyes out in Tokyo when he stood me up, and couldn't understand how my wonderful Jeff could do this to me. I remembered him telling me that he was not this kind, and that if he decided to break up with me, he would honestly tell me and wouldn't leave me guessing. I remembered him saying "You don't have to be frustrated all the time. You shouldn't worry so much. Life has been hard on you, but with me you can relax. Just take a deep breath and relax." I still can hear his voice and intonation in my head.
I had two months of going crazy. I didn't know what to think. Because, regardless of all the weirdness, he seemed to be absolutely trustworthy. I thought that I did something wrong, or said something wrong, or he can't for some reasons contact me any more, or even that he is dead. Because I thought he was a very clumsy person. He told me he had 5 concussions, twice got stabbed, he had fallen from the stairs in his own house several times, and he also fell from escalators. Escalators scared me the most, because long ago my university friend fell from an escalator and died. So I was insanely worried.
And then there came the day of closure. Sometime in June me and my friend went online and googled everything I knew about him - his full name, rank, current location, home state etc etc. And he found a posting on the ExperienceProject site. A woman wrote about experience she had being in a relationship with an American military guy. There was his picture there. That was the most engrossing reading I ever had in my life. I found out that he had converted to Islam in September, but told me he was not religious at all. That the amazing weekend I had with him in the Tokyo area in November was the time he and that girl registered their marriage online. That the electricity problem he was having when I came for the New Year's vacation was actually that girl moving to a hotel from his house (he told her that his house was being returned to the landlord). She wrote that he was broke and she had to give him money. It looks like I know where this money was spent... And I was thinking... She left Tokyo on the New Year's eve, the happiest New Year's eve I ever had. Jeff seemed happy too, and definitely not bothered about anything. While the woman who spent two years with him was leaving the city without even saying good bye, probably in tears. Maybe not, but broken-hearted. No, there was nothing like this in his face. What was the most horrible, that he involved all her family into his dirty game, including her children. I also found out that he told her that he was somewhere in Indonesia in March when I was with him. He also last contacted her in April, telling her that he loves her and misses her.
I sent a message to her, and we talked a lot.
Later another girl found that post on the web, and contacted her too. That's how I learnt why Jeff didn't email me on St. Valentine's day - he was busy spending time with that new girl, who he met on the Internet in January (before he proposed to me). And after that he was shameless enough to continue lying. I'm sure he would have continued his games with all of us, but something must have happened. I wonder what. It's quite strange that he suddenly lost interest in three women at the same time, having put so much effort into fooling them.
Ah! He was supposed to get married to another girl in June! So he got engaged to the first girl in July, converted to Islam in september, proposed to the second girl in October, then he met me, then he registered his marriage online with the first girl while I was staying with him, then he stood her up for the solemnization in December (that day he wrote to me that he went to the movies), later she came to Japan for Christmas, and I came right after. Then he met another girl online in January, proposed to me in February and spent the Valentine's Day with her. Then he came back to Japan and probably met someone else. Then he broke up with me and the first girl but forgot to tell us about it, anticipating the third girl's visit. And finally his arranged wedding was for some reasons postponed. His siblings also don't know why. Because apparantly he is not close with them at all, and sisters don't call him from Tennessee at 2 am to wake him up. Neither does his step-mother.
This is basically all I know. If I remember anything else, I'll add it.
I have several theories as to why he did all that. I'll probably share some of them later.
